LUNAR WORLD ☾ BLOG

19/06/2025

man i've been so tired today. i woke up feeling like my bed had a magnetic pull on me, i couldn't get out of it until like 3 hours later. right now as i'm writing this i'm struggling to keep my eyes open and it's only 8 PM orz.

i started writing the 5th chapter of my kingdom hearts fic today and i'm 1.2k words in so far. i'd write more but i'm so exhausted for some mysterious reason. maybe i'll miraculously wake up and churn out 4k more words (HA!).

anyway today started out stressful, my aunt insisting that she had to stay in the hospital even though she's only got muscle pain. she threatened the doctors if they didn't let her stay so i guess she's there now. yet another situation for my family to deal with. yayyyy...

enough about that, though! today i got to hang out with my best friends and had a good day despite being so tired.

today's weight: 83.9 kilos. (i lost weight!!)

17/06/2025

well i saw my psychiatrist today and my first impressions are uh. not. good. she was 50 minutes late to my appointment and couldn't read my epicrisis document.

i'm also afraid because i don't think she and my mom will get along, and she wants to have a session with both myself and my mom present. basically my childhood was so chaotic to explain she needs someone else there to help me explain it.

i'm kinda feeling down because i'm having one of those "oh, my childhood wasn't normal at all" moments. moving every 1.5-2 years from country to country and back isn't really normal or stable.

she also asked if i had any friends (IRL) and i had to say no.

didn't make much progress other than that. just feeling sad about my childhood and not having any friends IRL.

anyway! her office is so far away it's a 1 hour trip and it's pure torture, i had to take 3 different subway lines, one of them terminal to terminal. i'm taking the bus next time. i don't care if it takes longer, i don't want to have to switch trains or have to stand so long.

other than that, i didn't do much today. i started prepping for the thread on visual-kei i wanna write on bulbagarden by making a list of bands to avoid due to their use of AI in their music videos, and i sadly had to put jiluka and xanvala on there.

today i listened to an entire my chemical romance album, too. wish that's all i had to say lol.

16/06/2025

so there's this guy who won't stop being really persistent with me. he's not a stalker, just someone annoying.

earlier this year i started going to the gym and, in my first day, i had the exact same routines as this guy named "E". he started talking to me and taught me how to use some of the equipment and it was really nice. we talked about what video games we played and, even though he looks to be AT LEAST 10 years older than me, i thought i'd made a friend. i don't mind befriending people older than me, i have older friends on ffxiv and some of the people who were nicest to me at the clinic were older than me so i was like. why not.

then he asked me for my number and i got scared. i panicked, and gave it to him since i couldn't think of an excuse not to (i should've just said no). anyway, he messages me and i message him back for a while, and then he becomes really insistent on me going out for coffee with him, even when i turned him down he became really insistent on it, so i started ignoring him out of fear.

this was all a few months ago, he got mad at me and told me i had horrible vibes and stopped messaging me.

TODAY! i get a new message from him asking me if i remember him. i've decided to ignore him. i hate this.

i have problems with whatsapp, which is where he messaged me. i hate opening it. it makes me scared every time. and now with this i'm even more scared. i wish he would just leave me alone. because now i'm afraid to open whatsapp which is what i use to communicate with my doctors and mental health team, everyone IRL really.

i hate presenting so... feminine, because i get guys like this not leaving me alone.

whatever, enough about him.

i hung out with one of my best friends on discord while my mom was having her party last saturday, which really helped me. we played deltarune together (well, he played it, i just watched lol)

i ate a shit ton of food, i'm hoping it doesn't affect my diet too much, but i'm not too worried. i'm currently weighing a bit less than 85 kilos. i'm gonna keep track of my weight here on the blog every thursday so i have a record of it, i like seeing my progress.

what i mean to say is that i didn't spiral like i was afraid of during the party. but i was unable to fall asleep until 7 AM which means that sunday was a total void for me. i forgot to tell my dad "happy father's day", i'll do it today.

anyway my shitty aunt is here now to take a shower. i say shitty but she wasn't always like this. the situation is really complicated.

my grandma used to be an abusive cunt to my mom and aunt (even me sometimes, but very little) but 8 months ago she fell down and broke her hip. she should have been rehabilitated by now but it's like my aunt sabotages her healing process as much as she can. my aunt is also an alcoholic, she drinks a ton every day and falls down and gets hurt because of it.

because she gets hurt, she can't take care of my grandma like she's supposed to, so that responsibility falls onto my mom, who has calcium in her aortic vein so she's not supposed to be doing all of that, she's supposed to be resting. (which then also impacts me because, hey, that's my mom)

my aunt also lies with the purpose of stressing my mom out, she yells at her, (and me, when i'm there), she treats my grandma like shit even though my grandma has apologized for everything she's done. my grandma has been bedridden for 8 months because of this.

sometimes my aunt drunkenly calls my mom after she falls down and we have to pull her up back into bed while she's shat all over the floor. it's very depressing, i'm glad i don't live with her and my grandma anymore.

i'm seeing my psychiatrist tomorrow and i'm anxious about it lol. i even had a dream about getting my autism diagnosis "revoked". i hope that doesn't happen haha!

i also picked up drawing a couple days ago, too. i'm still shit at it but oh well, rome wasn't built in a day and all that! i just need to be patient.

anyway i'm feeling much better than i was when i wrote my last blog entry, what a sad start to a blog page that was! not like this one was much better but at least i'm not in a bad mood, i'm just venting.

i'm thinking of going by multiple names. "valentine" is an obvious one because that's what my ffxiv friends call me and it's grown on me. however i'm also thinking about kris or some sort of variant of it, for obvious reasons. actually, leo wasn't my first choice on a name believe it or not. i went by "blair" briefly but changed it because it doesn't work in spanish, and then i wanted to start going by "kris/cris", but didn't because my mom has crazy ex-boyfriend named cris and was afraid of coming out to her with that LOL, but i could just, not tell her. i don't know why that didn't occur to me.

i'll definitely write again soon, probably after my psychiatrist appointment (it's so far away!)

13/06/2025

(un)happy friday the 13th. figures i'd be feeling really depressed on a day such as this.

this past month i've been feeling really down all the time. i've been feeling talentless and worthless and even though my friends try to cheer me up, it hasn't been working at all. getting out of bed is such a slog. i don't want to kill myself but living is still such a slog.

i write this here with hopes that future me can read this and be in a better place emotionally.

i don't know. i just feel really annoying. like i'm being an annoyance to my friends, because the only time i've been feeling much of anything is when i'm hanging out with them. but my friends have things to do, unlike me. they have their own lives, they have friends IRL too. i don't have any of that.

i've been trying really hard to change that, but the people i've met IRL have either been weird to me or only cared about me because of the video game consoles i have.

i recently got runner-up on a fanfic writing competition, with a fic i wasn't feeling satisfied with, but still put in a ton of effort into. i should be feeling happy for myself. finally, "proof" of my talent, right? but i'm not feeling anything and i hate it.

a year or so ago, someone i really respected told me that i wasn't an "equal" to them, so they wouldn't be my friend anymore. and that still stings.

everyone has something they're good or even great at, but i don't feel like i have anything like that. i feel like a hack. like nobody cares about me unless i beg them for their attention.

my mind is at war with itself because a part of it thinks that my friends' problems supercede any problems that i may have, and that it's okay if i suffer as long as they're alright. but the smart part of me, the part that i like, knows that all of that is bullshit, but i can still hear that tiny irrational voice telling me that nothing that happens to me, nothing that i do, matters, or will ever matter.

this might sound self destructive, and it might be self destructive to write here. i don't know. but my mom tells me that whenever i'm not having any real issues, my brain has to make up one for me to be sad about. i don't know if she's right, but recently i've always been feeling down.

i miss being in the psychiatric clinic, because at least there i had people to talk to IRL. i played volleyball and i made a friend too, at least i thought. it hurts thinking about that last part, but she hasn't replied to me in my attempts to reach out. i think our paths in life are very different.

i'm sick of feeling so... nothing. it feels like a slog to even write this but i've been wanting to get it off my chest for weeks now.

tomorrow, my mom is having her friends come over and stay the night, and i can't believe i'm going to say this, but i feel jealous of her. jealous of my own mom, because she has friends IRL who care about her and not if she has a playstation or not. i feel like a waste of space.

whatever. i'm seeing a psychiatrist soon and hopefully she'll change up my medication so i'm not feeling like total shit all the time. right now, i'm on anti anxiety meds, anti depressants, and anti psychotics. the anti psychotics make me feel sleepy and bored, so hopefully she'll get me off those and up my anti depressants. i also need her to formally diagnose me with autism, which makes me scared. i know it's just so i can have my psychologist intervene more with my situation and hopefully get discounts on my medications, but i feel like i've been faking my autism the whole time and that i'm not gonna qualify for it, and my mom is going to be shitty about it.

back when i first got diagnosed, my mom doubted it at every turn because she hated my former psychologist. i'm hoping that she doesn't end up hating the one i have right now and that it stays civil between her and my mental health "team" pretty much. well, i say team because i might get a second psychologist soon, i don't know. i feel like a failure.

i feel like a blank slate. like an empty canvas for my family and IRLs to place their expectations on. and i have to act the part. i hate feeling like this. i want to express myself, but i'm terrified to. i want to do small things like dye my hair or buy clothes i like, but it scares me. i want to call out my mom when she lies to me or allow myself to get mad at people when they do something awful to me, but i feel like i'm not allowed to.

whatever, this entry is getting too long, but i had a lot i needed to get off my chest. i'm hoping my next entry is a happy one.